MATRIMONY 

BEFORE  AND  AFTER 


A Descriptive  Monologue 


BOB  O’LINK 


IS 

Fitzgerald  Publishing  Corporation 

SUCCESSOR  TO 

DICK  & FITZGERALD 

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MATRIMONY 


Before  and  After 


a Descriptive  /iDonolofiue 


By 

BOB  CyLINK 


Copyright,  1907,  by  Dick  & Fitzgerald 


FITZGERALD  PUBLISHING  CORPORATION. 

SUCCESSOR  TO 

Dick  & Fitzgera;^ 


Vesey  St, 


New  York 


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MATRIMONY 


Accessories. — A desk  or  table,  with  a large  book  open  upon  it. 
Ladies  and  Gentlemen: 

The  subject  of  this  evening’s  discourse  is  Matrimony,  con- 
sidered under  its  separate  divisions  of  Love,  Courtship  and  Mar- 
riage, the  three  steps  by  which  lunatics  and  others  are  led  like 
lambs  to  the  slaughter;  and  as  I know  very  little  about  the  sub- 
ject, I have  been  requested,  as  the  likeliest  man  to  make  an  ass 
of  myself,  to  try — as  most  folk  do — to  impart  to  you  knowledge 
which  I never  possessed  myself.  You  know  the  sort  of  knowl- 
edge I mean — that  which  your  neighbor  slings  at  you  with  regard 
to  your  own  business,  which  he  is  sure  to  know  ten  times  better 
than  you  do  yourself. 

However,  seeing  that  I am  so  ignorant  in  this  matter,  I have 
consulted  a lot  of  silly  authorities,  and  have  collected  a whole 
host  of  tommy  rot  with  which  I propose  to  electrify  you  for 
the  next  five  hours,  more  or  less. 

Don’t  be  alarmed,  ladies  and  gentlemen,  keep  your  seats,  rest 
assured  refreshments  will  be  handed  round  in  due  course,  and 
you  are  in  no  immediate  danger  of  the  lunatic  asylum  if  you 
only  hang  on  to  your  seats  while  I see  what  the  authorities  say. 
{Opens  large  hook  and  commences  reading.) 

Ah,  here  you  are.  Shakespeare  says,  “Man  has  seven  ages.” 

Now,  that’s  all  very  well  for  us  men,  but  nobody  ever  knows 
how  many  ages  a woman  has,  because  she  never  tells  the  truth 
about  that  matter.  {Speaker  ducks  his  head,  with  arms  posed 
to  ward  off  an  imaginary  brick  or  over-ripe  egg.  Then  regains 
position  and  continues.)  It’s  a fact.  I knew  a man  and  woman 
who  were  twins.  He  was  forty  years  old,  and  when  I asked 
him  how  old  they  were  he  said,  “When  we  were  kids,  we  were 
the  same  age;  now,  sister  is  five  years  younger.” 

That  is  a digression;  I will  resume,  and  it  brings  me  to  the 
first  division  of  my  erratic  speech  devoted  to 


0.  OF  tLL  LIB. 


4 


Matrimony 


LOVE 

A celebrated  author  says,  '‘It  is  a blood-red  flower  of  the 
color  of  sin,  but  there  is  always  the  scent  of  a god  about  it.’V 

Now,  I don’t  believe  in  any  such  sickly  sentimental  nonsense. 
As  a matter  of  fact,  ifs  a tickling  at  the  heart  that  you  can't 
scratch,  {Refer  to  book  again.) 

Another  authority  says,  “Love  on  the  woman’s  part  is  the 
great  moving  force  of  nature,  the  bond  and  cement  of  society,  • 
the  spirit  and  spring  of  the  universe;  it  is  the  whole  nature 
wrapped  into  one  desire.” 

That  sounds  well,  but  what  about  man?  On  his  part  it  is  an 
insane  desire  to  pay  for  some  young  woman's  hoard  and  outfit, 
winter  and  summer,  zvith  Easter  hats  thrown  in.  {Refer  to 
hook.) 

Another  authority  says,  “The  course  of  true  love  never  runs 
smooth.”  Well,  that  was  just  my  experience  untiL  my  girl’s 
father  became  troubled  with  the  gout  in  his  feet,  and,  of  course, 
that  altered  matters. 

Let  us  take  the  maiden.  Of  course,  we  won’t  take  her  very 
far,  for  fear  of  accidents.  We  will  suppose  she  is  a blushing 
maiden  of  seventeen.  Of  course  this  is  only  supposition,  because 
some  maidens  buy  their  blushes  at  the  druggists. 

I repeat,  take  the  blushing  maid  of  seventeen  when  she’s  in 
love,  and  see  how  she  studies  economy.  For  instance,  when 
she’s  seated  in  the  parlor  with  her  young  man  she  generally 
regulates  the  gas  burner  so  as  to  save  pa’s  gas  bills. 

Ah,  my  friends,  when  people  are  in  love  they  do  all  sorts  of 
silly  things.  Now,  when  I was  in  love,  I stood  one  evening 
gazing  lovingly,  longingly  in  a pie  bakery  window.  The  pro- 
prietor came  out  and  asked  me  to  move  on,  and  when  I asked 
him  why,  he  said,  “Because  your  face  worries  my  pies.” 

Of  course  I was  very  much  annoyed  and  asked  him  what  was 
the  matter  with  my  face,  and  he  said,  “Look  here,  old  chap, 
here’s  two  dollars  for  you,  go  and  buy  a pistol  and  shoot  the 
first  man  you  meet  whose  face  is  uglier  than  yours. 

Now,  I took  that  as  a great  insult,  but  1 also  took  the  two 
dollars,  and  bought  a pistol,  and  the  other  day  I met  a young 
fellow  coming  along,  and  I said  to  him,  “Jake,  your  time  has 
come.”  He  said,  “Why  what  have  I done  amiss?”  I said,  “Never 

mind,  I have  a mission  to  fulfill  on  this  earth,  and  that  is  to 
shoot  the  first  man  I come  across  whose  face  is  uglier  than 

mine. ”  He  said,  “Is  mine  uglier  than  yours?”  I said,  “It  is.” 
Then  he  replied,  ''For  heaven's  sake  shoot  me." 


Matrimony  5 

Going  back,  my  dear  friends,  to  the  subject  from  which  I 
have  wandered  like  a silly  cuckoo,  I come  to  the  second  division 
of  this  nonsensical  oration : — 


COURTSHIP 

Courtship,  I can  assure  you,  is  the  first  intoxication  of  love, 
and  marriage  is  delirium  tremens. 

Ah,  when  you’re  courting  you  come  across  all  sorts  of  critters. 
For  instance,  there’s  the  old  maid,  the  young  maid,  and  married 
men’s  wives. 

Old  maids,  of  course,  as  a rule,  are  unmarried. 

Do  you  know,  I never  sneer  at  old  maids  myself.  I simply 
dote  upon  them,  because  my  mother  was  one — {pause)  before 
she  got  married. 

Then  again,  when  you  are  courting  you  have  a lovely  time. 
That  is,  if  you  are  solid  with  the  bull-dog,  and  keep  out  of  the 
way  of  your  prospective  father-in-law’s  feet. 

When  you’re  courting,  never  judge  a woman’s  mind  by  the 
time  it  takes  her  to  make  it  up.  It’s  a great  mistake. 

Now,  I knew  a girl  who  was  courting  and  who  was  asked 
if  she  knew  what  matrimony  meant.  Fancy  asking  a girl  a ques- 
tion like  that ! This  girl’s  mind  was  evidently  wandering — I 
think  she  was  troubled  with  religious  mania,  for  according  to 
the  authority  here  {refer  to  hook)  her  reply  was,  ‘‘Yes,  sir.  It 
is  a state  of  probation  in  which  men  are  placed  for  a time  to  fit 
them  for  a better  life.”  It  was  not  quite  the  answer  expected, 
but  there  may  be  some  truth  in  it. 

Some  girls  are  cautious  about  the  man  who  wants  to  marry 
her — properly  so,  I think,  considering — {Business  of  ducking 
head,  etc.).  Others,  on  the  contrary,  consider  it  a lottery  and 
jump  at  the  first  chance.  You  know  those  telephones  with  a small 
megaphone  attachment?  Well,  I heard  a conversation  once— 
ting  a ling  a ling,  “Is  that  you,  Julia  Miggs?”  “I  reckon  it  is.” 
“Could  you  love  me?”  “I  reckon  I could.”  '‘Do  you  love  me?” 
“I  reckon  I do.”  “Could  you  marry  me?”  “I  reckon  I could.” 
“Will  you  marry  me?”  “I  reckon  I will,  who  is  it  talking  to 
me?”  Strange,  I waited — no  answer — I guess  he  thought  she 
was  too  easy.  Maybe  he  fancied  if  he  took  her,  as  the  saying 
goes,  for  better  or  worse,  she  might  be  better,  but  she  couldn't 
be  worse.  {Refers  to  hook.) 

Ah ! Those  love  letters ! Oh ! the  gush  and  mush  and  silly- 
billy  bosh  in  them ! I knew  a girl  whose  lover  used  to  make 
crosses  on  the  paper  where  he  had  kissed  it.  At  last  there 


6 Matrimony 

wasn’t  room  for  all  of  them,  so  he  sent  her  st  check  for  one  hun- 
dred kisses.  She  couldn’t  wait  to  write  to  him,  she  rang  him  up 
and  said,  got  the  check,  it  was  just  lovely,  and  I ran  to  your 
friend  Jack,  across  the  street,  and  he  cashed  it  right  away.” 

When  I was  courting  my  girl,  she  used  to  sing  beautifully. 
One  song  in  particular  was  ‘'O  would  I were  a bird !”  and  I often 
wished  she  were,  with  the  window  open. 

By-the-by,  I have  not  told  you  how  I became  engaged.  You 
see,  I was  walking  down  the  street  one  rainy  afternoon,  when 
I saw  a young  lady  going  along  without  an  umbrella,  and  I just 
stepped  up  and  offered  her  mine,  so,  you  see,  I was  caught  in  the 
rain. 

Women,  you  know,  when  they’re  courting,  do  all  sorts  of 
strange  things.  Have  you  ever  noticed  the  funny  idea  they  have 
of  wearing  their  watches  in  their  gloves  and  on  their  wrists? 
Still,  there’s  nothing  new  under  the  sun,  after  all,  for  I’ve  known 
them  wear  clocks  on  their  stockings  for  years. 

My  girl,  you  see,  had  a very  dark  head  of  hair,  and  she  wanted 
to  change  the  color,  as  many  girls  do.  So  she  said  to  me, 
“Charlie,  is  it  true  that  champagne  will  bleach  people’s  hair?” 
“Well,”  I answered,  “rather — why  I’ve  seen  lots  of  people  made 
absolutely  light-headed  by  it.” 

And  now,  my  dear  friends,  we  arrive  at  that  blissful  stage 
which  all  young  folks  hanker  after,  and  not  a few  of  the  old 
ones,  namely: — 

MARRIAGE 

Ah,  my  dear  friends,  marriage  is  a beautiful  dream — {pause)  — 
and  a terrible  awakening.  (Business,  ducking,  etc.) 

I don’t  mean  always,  but  sometimes.  Now,  all  who  have 
found  it  so^hold  up  your  right  hands.  What?  No  one!  Some 
of  you  haven’t  woke  up  yet.  Well,  it  is  a committee  of  two, 
with  power  to  add  to  their  number. 

Just  before  I got  married  I went  to  seek  a suitable  house. 
What  I wanted  was  a five-roomed  house;  a real-estate  agent 
sent  me  to  look  at  one.  I found  it  five-roomed,  as  he  stated, 
but  it  was  in  a dreadful  state  of  dilapidation,  shockingly  out  of 
repair.  So  I went  back  to  the  agent,  and  I said,  “Look  here, 
boss,  that  house  is  no  good  to  me.  I don’t  want  a six-roomed 
house.”  Then  he  argued  the  point  with  me,  and  said,  “It  is 
not  a six-roomed  house.”  I said,  “It  is.  I know  it  is  because 
I have  been  all  over  it.”  He  said,  “Let  me  see.  There’s  the 
kitchen,  that’s  one  room;  the  dining-room,  that’s  two;  the  par- 
lor, that’s  three;  and  two  bedrooms,  that’s  five.  Now,  where’s 


Matrimony  7 

the  sixth  room?''  '^Well,"  I said,  “boss,  you've  forgotten  the 
room  for  improvement." 

When  I got  married,  my  wife  was  simply  delighted  with  the 
number  of  wedding  presents  we  received.  I was  not,  because 
nearly  the  whole  of  them  came  from  people  who  were  single, 
and  we've  known  about  it  ever  since. 

I had  not  been  married  long  before  I met  a strange  woman 
in  the  street  who  glared  at  me  savagely,  and  when  I asked  her 
what  she  meant,  she  said,  “O,  I beg  your  pardon.  I mistook 
you  for  my  husband."  Nice,  isn’t  it? 

Now,  I believed  in  beginning  as  I intended  to  go  on,  so  when 
we  got  home  after  the  honeysuckle,  I said  to  my  wife,  “Mary 
dear,  let  us  have  a clear  understanding.  Are  you  going  to  be 
the  President  or  the  Vice-President?"  And  in  her  sweet  and  sim- 
ple way  she  replied,  “Neither,  Charlie,  I'm  only  the  Treasurer” 

After  we  had  been  married  a short  time,  she  asked  me  if  the 
dress  she  had  on  was  a perfect  fit.  Well,  I know  it  ought  to 
be,  because  I had  a Ht  when  I paid  for  it. 

A friend  of  mine  came  home  one  day  and  found  his  pretty 
wife  in  tears.  “What's  the  matter,  darling?"  said  he.  “The 
dog  ate  up  all  the  lovely  cream  pudding  I made  for  your  dinner," 
said  she.  “Never  mind,"  replied  he,  “dry  up  your  tears,  little 
girl,  I'll  buy  you  another  dog.” 

When  you're  married  you  come  across  some  charming  neigh- 
bors. Now,  we  have  one  next  door,  a real  cute  woman.  She 
can  read  her  husband  like  a book — and  shut  him  up  as  quickly. 

My  wife,  the  silly  silly,  has  gone  and  paid  a hundred  dollars 
for  a new  set  of  teeth,  and  when  I told  her  her  face  wasn't 
worth  it,  she  hit  me  on  the  head  with  the  frying-pan.  Makes 
you  skeered  of  speaking  the  truth,  doesn’t  it? 

Ah,  my  friends,  there's  no  telling  where  man  might  have  been 
had  it  not  been  for  a woman.  To-day  we  might  be  peacefully 
looking  about  in  the  Garden  of  Eden  without  a single  debt,  except 
gratitude.  Oh,  figs ! 

You  see,  when  a man's  been  married  twenty-five  years,  that's 
his  silver  wedding;  when  he's  been  married  fifty  years,  that’s 
his  golden  wedding;  but  when  his  wife  dies,  that’s  his  jubilee. 

Then,  when  you  get  married,  you  are  sure  to  have  a mother- 
in-law.  You  must  be  very  careful  what  you  call  her.  I call  mine 
Ma,  M-A,  Ma.  I’ve  lots  of  other  names  for  her,  but  I never 
let  her  hear  them. 

My  wife  and  I have  been  married  twenty-five  years,  and  we've 
never  had  a row  in  our  house  yet.  We  always  go  into  the  back 
yard — there's  more  room. 

Ah,  my  friends,  it's  when  the  babies  come  that  you  enjoy  mar- 


8 Matrimony 

ried  life.  Only  a short  time  ago  our  baby  was  sucking  his  toes, 
and  my  wife  said  to  me,  “Charlie,  I don’t  like  to  see  baby  do 
that.”  “Why,  my  dear,”  said  I,  “that’s  simply  lovely.  Can’t 
you  see  it’s  a sure  sign  of  thriftiness?”  “How  do  you  make 
that  out?”  says  she.  “Why,  my  dear,”  says  I,  “can’t  you  see 
he’s  trying  to  make  both  ends  meet?'' 

My  wife  is  a very  honest  woman,  but  I am  sorry  to  say  she  is 
also  very  delicate.  We  never  have  the  doctor  off  our  doorstep. 
Only  last  week  he  ordered  her  to  go  through  my  pockets — he 
thought  the  change  would  do  her  good. 

In  a magazine  I recently  read  an  article,  “How  to  Win  a 
Wife.”  Now,  if  they  will  only  print  another  article  on  “How 
to  Lose  a Wife,”  every  married  man  in  the  house  will  buy  a 
copy.  Won’t  you?  fellow-victims?  (Business  of  ducking,  etc.) 

And  yet  I think  every  man  ought  to  take  a wife,  or,  if  he  has 
a deep  grudge  against  himself,  let  him  take  a widow,  I did.  I 
told  her  I wanted  to  be  the  captain  of  her  ship,  so  that  we  could 
sail  down  life’s  tossing  sea  together.  She  said  I was  too  late 
for  her  captain,  but  I could  become  her  second  mate. 

Well ! We  could  go  on  all  night  about  woman’s  perfections, 
and  otherwise.  After  all  said  and  not  said,  she  is  individually 
and  collectively  the  charm  of  our  lives. 

Woman ! woman ! The  idol  of  our  hearts. 

(Declaiming) 

“O  Woman!  In  our  hours  of  ease, 

Uncertain,  coy  and  hard  to  please!” 

(Slyly)  and  the  ruination  of  our  trouser-pockets.  (Ducking 
business. ) 

By  the  way,  how  about  those  refreshments  I promised  you? 
What’s  the  matter  with  the  caterer?  I’ll  have  to  look  him  up. 
(Goes  quickly  to  exit.)  You  needn’t  wait.  Ta,  ta.  [EXIT. 


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